Today would have been my mom’s 80th birthday…had she survived to see it. In October 2017 while surrounded by loved ones, my dear sweet mother passed from this life into eternity. There is not a day that passes that I do not miss her and wish that I could just call her one more time, hear her voice once more. Two months after my husband told me he wanted out of our 23-year marriage; I received the phone call that my mother was in the hospital. She was alone and scared and extremely upset. A young doctor had just told her in a very blasé way, that she had cancer. We were all shocked by the diagnosis and even more shocked when a month later she died. My mom hadn’t really been sick or in any real pain until that day in September when she was taken to the hospital a month before her death.
While I am extremely grateful for our family to have had that month with her before her passing, it was still incredibly painful. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to sit by her side while she was praying that God would give her more time and I was silently praying He would give me less. I was begging daily for God to take my life, to end my pain and suffering. I desperately wanted to take her place. That plea did not end for many years.
But the Lord knows the plans He has for me and even though I have lost several more loved ones since that time, I am still here. Each death has been a little harder to bear – the grief growing deeper with each loss. Even though it brings me great sorrow to have lost so many, I saw God’s hand in each passing – His merciful release from their pain filled lives.
My mother’s name was Joyce, meaning “cheerful” or “rejoice”. My joy went missing along with my mother’s passing and I have yet to find it again. My joy went M.I.A. amid the tragic and traumatic events of my life – it became lost in the darkness. But even without joy as a companion and with the loss of each person that I wish so desperately to turn to in my pain – I choose daily to turn to God. I cannot begin to understand why I am still here and why they are not. Why He blocked my suicide more than once but allowed it for another whom I loved.
But even in this, even in the loss, the depth of pain and grief – I have a choice. I can give in to the darkness or I can push through it. It isn’t easy and most days it is almost more than I can bear, but I continue to search for the lost joy, to live each day for the Lord. Psalms 30:5 says that sorrow lasts for the night, but His joy comes in the morning. Some day the morning will come, and joy will return. Until then, I press on. Two years ago on this very day, “Finding God in the Fire” was released. It was written during the darkest moments of my life when I had lost my marriage, my best friend, my mother, all my hopes and dreams…my entire life as I knew it. It was written because through writing it and sharing how God has helped me through the fires in my life, there may be some purpose for the pain. It was written to help others know that God is in the fire with you…and you are not alone!
If your joy has also gone M.I.A. know that you are not the only one who has lost their joy. You are not the only one who feels like this is all too much to bear. You are not the only one going through whatever fiery trials you are currently enduring. And you are never alone. God promises that He will never leave you nor forsake you. No matter how desperate things may become nor how much you really don’t want to live the life you are living, don’t give up. Press on. Turn to God and cry out to Him. Surrender all the pain, the hopelessness, the fear, the tormenting thoughts to Him and grip tight to His righteous right hand which will carry you through the most trying of times. Draw all you need from Him. He is the only one that can get you through the darkness. I know because He is the only one that has helped me through my own. And one day, your joy will return.
Isaiah 61:3 – to all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory. (NLT)
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