Today, this memory from five years ago popped up on my Facebook timeline. I had just written the first chapter of "O God Where Art Thou" and had some hope that my season of pain would be coming to an end. Unfortunately, it only led into a season of even deeper pain. Sometimes those "on this day" reminders from social media and Onedrive can bring a stabbing pain to some very deep emotional wounds.
Original post: "I have began writing "O God Where Art Thou" and I would really love your thoughts and feedback. Does this resonate with you? What are your thoughts?
Here is the first paragraph of Chapter 1 - God It's Me Again. Can You Pick Up the Line?
Have you ever felt like you were in a one-way conversation with God pretty much every time you pray? I have felt that way most of my Christian walk. I knew God was there, but it felt like He was just silent most of the time. He would show up in the words others would speak to me, in a Bible passage I read, in a daily inspirational post, in movies, on long drives, and of course, in church. But most of the time, I didn’t really feel like God was taking my calls."
Five years and a lot of painful events have passed since that day. I still often wonder if God is taking my calls. I wrote the original post the day before what would have been my twenty-fourth anniversary, so overall a difficult and emotional day. My one dream was to be married for fifty years. But God and my husband had different plans.
The September prior to writing this post, we found out my mom had cancer just 5 months after being told by my husband that he wanted a divorce and my life imploded. I still had not told my family that we were separated or that he wanted a divorce; although, he had already begun living his new life without me. I was already shattered beyond what I could bear and then my mother passed less than 1 month later.
"O God Where Art Thou" was written over the next 24 months through a divorce I did not want, the death of my sister, the death of my stepfather and abuser, the suicide of my ex-husband, and the death of my aunt. One by one I lost the people that I turned to when I was in deep emotional pain and some that caused me deep emotional pain. I had nowhere to turn but to God.
My sister was the first person to read any of the chapters (only the first 10 were written at the time). Within a month of that time, she was overcome by debilitating pain which proceeded into facial paralysis and only being able to walk short distances. She was sent to the hospital by ambulance twice, med-flighted once, and sent home without an exam or any remedy four separate times. It took another 6 weeks and me driving from Texas to Oklahoma to force the hospital to admit her to find out she was dying of stage 4 cancer. She passed a few weeks later.
After my mom's and sister's deaths, my aunt (my mother's sister) was my last real connection to them both. We would talk almost daily and be able to honestly discuss our grief and deep pain. She was the one person who really understood. Her passing on September 23rd, 2020 (5 months after my ex-husband's suicide and on his birthday) completely severed the thin thread of hope I was holding on to. I was completely shattered and felt betrayed by God. Not only had he blocked my own suicide attempts, but He allowed my ex-husband's. I was also extremely angry with both my ex-husband and God because I could no longer pray to be released from this pain-filled life. I felt like they stole that choice from me after losing so much else. I had to press on for our children who were caught in the aftermath of pain suicide and death ushers in.
Whatever healing had been done in those three years between when my life fell apart and my aunt passed, felt like it had been lost. The abyss swallowed me whole, and I could no longer see even a sliver of light. The pain was too much and I completely shut down. I couldn't even cry anymore. I became emotionally and spiritually numb.
Here we are now 5 years down the road, and I am still working through the brokenness and trying to heal from the onslaught of trauma and pain in my life. It isn't easy and it is immensely painful. But God has carried me through it all, often kicking and screaming. I wouldn't still be here without God's great love for me and His plan for something more. My plan was for the pain to end even if it meant I was the one who had to end it. His plan is still unfurling. I hold on to the hem of His garment because I quite literally have nothing else left. He will carry me through. One day at a time. One step at a time. One mercy at a time.