When my life crumbled around me, I had to decide what I was going to do next. I lost the things that mattered most to me in a few short months. My marriage, my husband (who was my best friend), my mother, my hopes and dreams for the future, myself, my security. I hadn't lost everything, but it certainly felt that way. My children were alive and well (as were my grandchildren), but they were all grown and living lives of their own. I felt like they didn't need me anymore. I was just a distant spectator in their lives, not an active participant. And none of it was by choice. I also felt like everyone would be better off if I was gone, most especially me. My family has always been the most important thing to me. And that was part of the problem. They were most important. Not God.
It is true that God is a jealous God and He will not allow another to take His place in your life for long. I am not saying that God caused my marriage to end, we did that with the choices each of us made. But God allowed it. He could have healed our marriage. He could have healed my husband's heart and mine. But that was not God's will. That has been one of the most difficult truths to live with.
But even in the beginning of the collapse of my life, I trusted that God knew best and for His will to be done in all things. I had made a mess of my life living it my way. God says He redeems all things and will use all things for our good. So, I gave it all to Him. I didn't want my life anymore anyway. It didn't really matter to me what God did with it. God carried me through those first months. First it was minute by minute, then day by day. I couldn't get through the next second much less the next three years on my own. I was devastated and broken beyond belief. There was nothing I could do on my own.
God met my right in the middle of my mess and led me to do what I needed to do to get through it all. The first step, just like in a natural disaster, was to assess the damage. I had to face the brokenness and issues and take inventory. As I mentioned before, when the walls of my life crumbled, all of my issues were exposed and even my issues had issues. Just as I had in every difficult season in my life, I turned to God and even when I felt like I didn't hear Him speaking to me, I trusted Him to guide my steps and lead me in the way I was to go. I just had to walk it out and to be honest, I still am.
Imagine my life (and my heart) at that time like a house that had been ravaged by fire. That was certainly how the aftermath felt, especially internally. I had to sift through the ash and rubble to determine what could be salvaged of my old life, if anything. The debris had to be cleared away before a new life could be built, before God could work on my new heart. He says in Ezekiel 36:26 that He will remove our heart of stone and give us a new heart of flesh and a new Spirit. But first the stone had to be removed.
When you need to do a major cleanup or renovation in life, you have to find the right tools to use. The same is true when dealing with the spiritual issues: you have to start with the right tools. To begin the cleanup of the disaster area, I focused on God's Word. I allowed His truth to clear out the lies that I had believed for so long. I prayed against the Spiritual Attacks and the demons that I had allowed to take up residence in my life. These spiritual squatters had stolen all they were going to steal from me! I surrounded myself with the things of God and only focused on good, Godly things. I listened to Praise and Worship music during the day and when I went to bed at night. I listened to Christian audio-books and online sermons. I didn't watch TV or get on Social Media hardly at all. It was too painful and felt hollow anyway.
I cleared away the debris one step at a time. There were many things that God told me I had to let go of in that season. There were other things that I was allowed to keep for a time but later was shown needed to go as well. I had to get to the foundation my life was built on and break it away and establish a new foundation built on God's Word.
I didn't want this life new, and I begged daily for God to end the pain. But that was never His plan. His plan was for me to face the pain and walk through it with Him. It was extremely painful and I never want to go through anything like that again. I fully surrendered my life and all my circumstances to God, and I allowed Him to make me into the creation He meant me to be from the beginning. The rebuilding process is not yet complete, but I trust the Master Builder to build something beautiful from the broken pieces of my old life. Until then, I am still under construction.
Philippians 3:12 (NCV) - I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason He made me His.
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