All too often I suffer from Rhett Butler Syndrome. Quite frankly my dear, I just don't care. I want to care. I feel like I should care, but more often than not, I just don't. Which is funny because my strongest spiritual gift is empathy and my biggest battle is apathy.
Empathy is being able to feel deeply with and for others. Apathy is feeling absolutely nothing, for yourself or anyone or anything else. Webster defines apathy as a "lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern". It originates from a-pathos (without feeling) or without passion while empathy is in-feeling; being filled with emotion. It is difficult to feel passionate about something when you feel nothing at all. Some say it is indifference, but it is much more and much deeper than that. Deeper than even depression or grief. It is more than just not caring or feeling indifferent. It is not even having enough energy or emotion to care or to feel anything at all. It is a void, an emotional vacuum. It is a feeling emptiness, a nothingness. It may seem like even though you are physically present, you are emotionally separated from everything that is going on around you and in you. It is a Spiritual and emotional numbness - an emptiness deep inside.
There is an inner turmoil and battle raging inside my heart between the soul crushing, heart wrenching pain and the pit of despair and nothingness. The pain, when it comes, is so deep, I can barely breathe. The wave of pain crashes over me, threatening to drown me in my own tears that flow like a torrential rain that can't be held back. When the pain comes, there is nothing to do but wait for the waves to subside; but in the aftermath, it feels like everything else is washed away as well. Nothing is left behind but the black void of nothingness. There is seldom a time when either the pain or the apathy aren't pulling me in, throwing me to and fro between feeling too much and feeling nothing at all. There is very little between the two - few moments of calm or sanity where I can catch my breath or inhale the peace before the next battle rages.
Regardless of the storms and battles that rage on within me and around me, I hold onto the Lord. He is my anchor through it all and I know I do not fight this battle alone. One day I know I will be healed and whole. One day, He will become the beautiful masterpiece He has created me to be. I know He is still at work even when I can't see it, even when I can't feel it. I trust that He will rescue me. He hears my cries. He collects my tears. He will heal my soul. Until then, I press on. I push through the apathy as best I can, taking it moment by moment and step by step. I celebrate the calm between the crashing waves. I lean into Him when I am too weak to do anything more than to cry once more. One day I will be okay. Just not today. And that's okay because I know I am not alone.
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