In the Beginning

This was how "Finding God in the Fire" began with these words:

"Hi, my name is Tammy and I am an overweight; codependent; neurotic; depressed; fearful; anxious; insecure; people pleaser; victim of sexual abuse; and I lack healthy boundaries in my life. I am not enough. I am never enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I have to try harder to do more, to be better, to make my husband and my family happy. I have to take care of everyone; and if they don’t take care of something, then I need to step in and take care of it for them. I have to be good so others will love me and want to be around me. I am ruled by my fears and anxieties. I am extremely self-conscious and will stay at the back of the crowd to avoid awkwardness because I am always awkward around people. Fear rules my every step.

This was my mantra. This was how I saw myself. Until the day at the end of June 2017 when my life was shattered in an instant. I would say it was the beginning of the end; but in reality, the ending began so long before that day.

This is my journey of Finding God in the Fire…"

On June 27, 2017, my life as I knew it disintegrated right in front of my eyes and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. I wailed. I tried ending my life. All to no avail. The harder I tried to gather up the broken shards of my former life, the more they turned to ash around me. Nothing could be salvaged. Not only had my marriage shattered, but all my hopes and dreams and my very identity were lost in a moment. Everything had been turned completely upside down. I was shattered and oh so very broken. I wanted my life to end right then and there more than anything I had wanted in my whole life. But you don’t always get what you want.

My thoughts were twisted and tormented. The memories kept replaying over and over in an endless loop in my head that I couldn't seem to stop. I was flooded with pain and the waves didn't recede for a very long time. I thought I would drown in the torrent of emotions and I didn't care if I did. I wished for death with every breath. Life was painful. Death, whatever it may bring had to be better than this painful life I was given.

When my husband told me he wanted out of our marriage, I felt so alone. I didn't want to talk to his family or mine. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. I kept hoping that it was all just a horrible nightmare and I would wake up and get my life back. But this was my reality. Once I realized that I wasn't going anywhere, I had to figure out how to live my life through the pain.

I immediately began looking for counseling options. When your life is shattered all of your hidden issues are suddenly blatanly exposed. I would say I found a church to attend but really God directed all of my steps during those first few months. He led me to Grace and I also began attending counseling with a licensed therapist. God provided the tools I needed to begin rebuilding my life. It was my choice whether or not to use them. It has been a very difficult journey and there were many times I begged for it to end, but God has carried me through the past three years. He was right there with me in the midst of the fire just as He was with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

If you are in the midst of your own fiery storms in life, trust that God is right there with you in the middle of it all. Seek Him diligently. Cry out to Him. Allow Him to take you by His righteous right hand and draw you near. He will carry you through it all. I pray that God speaks right into the heart of your painful circumstances today as you read these words.