I'm fine...but I'm not

You ask how I'm doing and I say, "I'm fine", but I'm not. I'm not okay, but that's okay too. You may think I'm lying, but I'm not. I'm speaking the only words I can. I speak the words just to hear them out loud, because I feel like I'm dying inside. I speak the words because I need to hear them. I speak the words because I can't risk the pain leaking out. It is barely contained and the crashing waves will overtake me if even a whisper is released. I won't be able to hold back the torrent of pain from washing over me. Most of the time, I am barely holding myself together by the tattered edges. It takes all I can do to not shatter, to surrender to the pain. Each time I shatter, it takes so long to gather up all the broken pieces and put myself back together. Sometimes I just can't. It's too painful. I just sit and cry and let God hold gently put me back together again. Falling apart is painful. The restoration is painful. Life is painful.

There are days when it takes all the strength I have just to keep it contained, to show some semblance of normalcy. Other days are easier. Those days the waves of pain and sadness recede and I can walk through the day without wanting to scream. They are rare, but they are there. Other days the numbness and apathy keep the pain at bay until it rises up again, crashing over me. But no matter what the day may bring, I press on. What choice do I have? I make my feet touch the floor when my soul cries out to just lay in bed until the pain passes. I make them move forward one step at a time, when all I want to do is crumble into a heap on the floor until there are no tears left. It's okay, but I'm not okay.

I pray for the strength to walk through each day, whatever it may bring. I pray for healing and comfort as I walk this broken path. I press through the pain, knowing that I cannot risk giving in, not even a little. If I open that door, if I allow myself to give in to the pain, I may never come back from the abyss. I can't risk giving in, because I don't think I will ever be able to find my way back. So, so I press on. God will see me through.

I say, "I'm fine", but I'm not. My lips speak the words while my heart is silently screaming, seeking release. I smile when all I want to do is sit in a heap and cry, and never rise again. The battle rages inside, but I cannot allow the beast to escape its cage. It is so hard to keep it contained. You may see through the cracks, but you will never know the depth of the pain that is buried deep inside. It's a place that is only known by me and God. He understands the pain. He knows the truth, even when I do not. And that's okay too. One day, I will be okay. Just maybe not today.

I tell you I'm okay, because that is what I tell myself. I'm okay, but I'm not. One day it will be true. Just not today. So when you ask and I say I'm okay, just know it isn't a lie. Its a declaration of what is to come...someday...just not today. I'm fine, but I'm not. And I'm not the only one.