Good Grief!

1 Corinthians 15:55 - "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (NLT)

Grief: "acute pain that accompanies loss" (Psychology Today, 2021). Grief is a deep anguish, sorrow or suffering experienced from the loss of someone or something that we have loved. Misery, sorrow, sadness, anguish, misery, agony, torment, heartache and heartbreak often accompany grief in our affliction. I have experienced more loss and grief in my life than I ever thought I could endure, especially over the past three years.

My marriage ended in 2017 bringing with it the death of my hopes and dreams, an end to my life as I knew it, and my heart was shattered into a million pieces. There was so much loss, so much pain, and so much grief. Three months later, I lost my mother. Two years later I lost my oldest sister and two months after that my step-father. Four months later, I lost my ex-husband. And five months ago today, I lost my aunt. Each October from 2015 to 2019, we have lost a family member and several in between. It has often felt like I barely recovered from one devastating blow before the next one landed. Loss hits hard with an intensity that steals your breath and can bring you to your knees. It comes in waves. Often you just get back to your feet and another wave crashes over you, bringing you to your knees once again. It is unexpected and sudden and can be so very overwhelming. The anguish is deep. I have often felt like I was drowning in a sea of sadness and sinking into a pit of painful despair. It would take all my strength to rise up to my feet once again.

The pain was too great for me to bear and I turned to God to help me find my way through. I didn't want to live this painful, broken life. But I didn't have a choice. This is the life I have and I had two choices: I could sink into the oblivion of the pain, never to resurface from the dark pit of despair; or I could walk through it. Pain (and grief) is a process. The only way out of it is through it. There are no quick fixes. No miracle cures. No way to fastfoward or skip the painful parts. There is only facing it as it comes and working your way through it one step at a time. Sometimes that is just barely crawling along on your knees, but you push through. The alternative is to let it engulf you completely and you will never find your way out of the darkness if you do.

They say there are 5-7 stages of grief: disbelief (shock and numbness), denial, guilt and pain, bargaining, anger, depression and isolation, and acceptance. It is a process and a cycle. You may feel all at once, a combination at the same time, or bounce between them; but you will most likely feel all of these during your walk through your grief. I know I have.

Sometimes I get stuck in one for a while. In the beginning, there was an intense pain like nothing I had ever felt before, but I also felt closer to God during that time. It felt like He was carrying me through when I couldn't get through on my own. I also feel like it insolated me from some of the pain, especially at the beginning as I released it to Him. The guilt and pain hit hard. I questioned everything. Was I a good wife and mother? I suddenly saw all my faults and misteps in glaring detail. If only I had...

Then came the bargaining. I begged God to take my life. To let me be done. Then I prayed for Him to just give me my assignment and let me be done. Obviously He still had work for me to do and that was why He wouldn't take me home too. I tried a reverse Hezekiah prayer, praying for time off for good behavior instead of a longer life. But God doesn't bargain. The anger was suppressed - I have always tended to be passive agressive. I was immensely hurt, but not really angry. Until my ex-husband committed suicide. Then I got really angry. Angry with him. Angry with God. I was supposed to go first. He promised he wouldn't take his own life. And I had tried to take mine but God blocked it. I was angry because I couldn't even pray for God to take my life or let me die sooner. They took that choice away from me because my kids couldn't handle losing us both. I had to be very diligent to keep bitterness from creeping back in. Depression seems to like to hang around longer than the others. I haven't quite reached acceptance yet. I accept it all as God's will. I accept that He brings life from death. But there is still so much I have not quite accepted yet. I'm a work in progress, still under construction. But I know one day, He will bring beauty from the ashes and make me His masterpiece. He has a purpose for my pain, so I surrender it to Him.

I have cried a sea of tears nearly drowing in them much like Alice in Wonderland. Sadness is still my constant companion. Depression is heavy most days. But even in that, I press on. I cannot allow it to take over. It wouldn't be good for me or anyone around me. Sitting in it just causes more pain and I don't like pain. I have had more than my fair share of it, so I do anything I can to not cause more pain for me or anyone else. The enemy has stolen enough from me, I refuse to let him steal, kill or destroy anything else. So I continue to fight another day. And the next one and the next one. I push forward one step at a time, praying for God to help my fight this battle and draw my strength from Him. I trust that one day I will reach the prize and finish my race. Most days, I barely want to get out of bed, but I do it anyway. There are probably going to be days when you don't want to either. But do it anyway. Celebrate the little steps. Mourn the losses. Press on. You are worth fighting for.

I have learned these lessons along the way:

* Grief is a process and it cannot be rushed through.

- This process is different for everyone. There is no right way or wrong way through it,

as long as you get through it. Find what works for you. Trust the process.

* Give it time.

- I don't beleive that time heals all wounds. Some wounds may never fully heal. But it

does usually make them more bearable.

* Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

- Acknowledge what you are feeling. Don't run from them, repress them, or deny them. They will just grow bigger and harder to deal with if you do.

- Don't embrace your feelings. Acknowledge them and deal with them, but don't camp out with them. Don't allow your feelings to become too comfortable or they will become difficult to remove later.

* Be willing to tell God how you feel.

- He already knows. Not telling Him is just lying to yourself. I promise He is big enough to handle it.

- If you are angry at Him, tell Him. He's not afraid of your anger. He wants all of you, including your emotions. He will help you heal from what has hurt you and expose what is at the root of it all, if you will allow Him to. Invite Him into the midst of your mess.

* Not everyone can handle your pain.

- There will be people (even in your inner circle) who cannot handle your pain or the intensitity of it. It's okay. It's not theirs to handle. Its yours. Just know those who can't deal with it and if you have to keep your distance from them for a while, do so.

- Do not let them make you feel bad for the way you feel! Feel it then release it. Its okay to feel the way you do.

* People will say stupid, insensitive, and hurtful things.

- Well meaning people will say things like get over it already or things will get back to normal. Give them grace. They mean well, they just don't get it and often don't know what to say so they say the wrong thing.

* Things will never get back to normal. There isn't a normal for this. But you will find a new normal. Things can never be exactly like they were, but that does not mean they cannot be good again.

* You are not alone. You are not the only one who feels the way you do or the only one this has happened to.

- The enemy wants nothing more than to isolate you. Once he has you alone, you are at the mercy of all the insidious lies he wants you to beleive. His favorite lie is you are the only one.

- You are never alone! You have an advocate and counselor who understands everything about you and how you feel. Talk to Him.

* Be willing to ask for and accept help.

- You cannot walk through this alone. It is too much for you to do alone. Find a support group, talk to a counselor, have a trusted friend (who doesn't make you feel worse after talking to them), or talk to God. Find what works for you, but know you are not alone and don't have to face it alone.

Good grief God, this hurts. But I trust You Lord and I turn it all over to You. Your heart breaks for what breaks ours and this is heart breaking. Help me walk through the pain. Use it for my good and Your glory. May others see You shining through me, Your light shimmering brightly through the brokenness. I give you all of my broken heart and choose to not allow anything else to ever take Your rightful place at the center of my heart and my life. I trust You Lord. Make me into Your masterpiece, whatever you want me to be. I surrender it all to You. Please minister to the broken hearts. Bind up their wounds. Comfort those who mourn. Show them the beauty You will grow from their ashes. Help them to walk through their own sea of pain. Let it be unto us as you have said. In the Mighty Name of Jesus. Amen

John 16:22 (TPT) “So will you also pass through a time of intense sorrow when I am taken from you, but you will see me again! And then your hearts will burst with joy, with no one being able to take it from you!